I think a lot about my children’s birth order and how that affects them and my own birth order. It was really hard being the oldest. My parents were much stricter with me, expected more, I had to take care of the you her ones, and was often told I was “too old” for stuff yet at the same time the family was oriented towards the younger kids so I had to do things that felt “too young”. I was told that it was ok because I got to do things first but doing things first didn’t mean anything to me and I could have cares less. I would have much preferred to have an older sibling who would make family outings cooler etc. And the injustices-to have to wait years and years to get my ears pierced as a 13 year old only to see Johanna and Georgia get theirs done right away. I do understand that my younger sisters probably had criticisms about where they fell in the family-like they had to try to keep up with me, maybe it wasn’t that interesting when they reached a milestone because I already had, they had to deal with a bossy older sister. I hope I was kind enough. I really didn’t like being the oldest but I did and do like being able to use my having-done- it-first experience to help guide Johanna and Georgia and give them what I hope is helpful advice and look at for them.
People ask me if my being from a first marriage affected my years growing up. It definitely affected me deeply but not in the relationships with my sisters. Kitzy Cat did a great job making me feel wanted and loved and as much a daughter as Johanna and Georgia. A hard task she did well and with love. But in hindsight Kitzy and John should never have acted like I didn’t have a first mother (apparently that was Johns idea. Not Kitzys). I mean they acknowledged it but worked to make it seem like I was Kitzy’s daughter only and that I hadn’t have Barbara. Big big mistake on their part but they didn’t do it to be mean I know. Just misguided. To just let me call Kitzy something other than Mom and to have let me be who I was fully and acknowledge Barbara as my mother-without the title “first mother” – and an extremely important person in My life despite not being there-would have made things easier and more natural and ultimately allowed me to be closer to Kitzy and John both.
As it stands there is distance between us because of the forced family they created. I certainly have enough love to love Kitzy and John and to love Barbara as my mother without disrupting family life-it just adds more love. I wish John had seen this. I think people think I was so young I couldn’t have remembers the creating of a new family or have been affected by it but i was deeply affected. Oh the turmoil and tears. For better and worse.
Anyway, I watch Charlie being the oldest and hope I don’t put too much pressure on him like was on me. I hope I don’t expect too much of him just because he happens to be the oldest. I also hope I can help the younger ones feel special and not overshadowed. Watching Teddy try to keep up with the older kids makes me want to protect him so much but I also need to let him work it out. It also makes me hope I was nicer as a big sister than I think I probably was.